Caliborn's Stories 6: Madagaskaras
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: The Lithuanian play Madagaskaras, directed by Rimas Tuminas and written by Marius Ivaškevičius, as summarized by the Homestuck character Caliborn. Rated T for language and violence.


ALRIGHT. SOMEONE ELSE HAS LEFT A MEMO. ON ONE OF MY STORIES. REMINDING ME THAT IT ISN'T ME AGAINST THE WORLD. SO YOU ARE THE KING, "ectoBiologist."

"NIC CAGE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS FATE."

UM. WHO'S NIC CAGE. WHAT WERE YOU EVEN RESPONDING TO. MY PLAN TO REVIEW CON AIR? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, EB. MY PLANS INVOLVE MOCKING EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF HUMAN FICTION. THUS, EVERYONE EVENTUALLY IS A TARGET. THE ONLY MATTER. IS HOW THE STORIES ARE ORDERED. FOR NOW IT'S OKAY. I CAN REVIEW CON AIR AT A LATER TIME. BUT THAT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT. THAT NIC CAGE WILL BE GETTING THIS FATE. NO MATTER WHETHER YOU LIKE IT. OR NOT.

AT ANY RATE. BEFORE I START THIS ONE. I WOULD ONCE AGAIN LIKE TO EXTEND THANKS. TO MY HUMAN FEMALE ASSISTANT NAMED MISS BUTCHERSON. WHO IS WELL-VERSED IN MOST OF THE WORLD'S LANGUAGES. EVEN LANGUAGES THAT DON'T EXIST LIKE LITHUANIAN. AND WHO PRESENTED ME THIS WORK. WHICH I THOUGHT WOULD MAKE A GREAT CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS FEATURE.

THUS. CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

MADAGASKARAS. BY RIMAS TUMINAS AND MARIUS IVAŠKEVIČIUS.

BEFORE ANYTHING STARTS. I SEE A ROOM WITH TWO DOORS. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS A METAPHOR OF. THE TWO DOORS OF THE STANLEY PARABLE? OR THE ENDLESS FUCKING MAZE YOU CAN CREATE WITH TWO DOORS FROM PORTAL? DON'T ASK ME. I STILL HAVE TO CATCH UP. WITH MANY, MANY, MANY HUMAN STORIES. SO LET'S GET THIS BITCH ON.

THE SCENE OPENS. WITH A HUMAN. WHO I THINK IS NOT ACTUALLY HUMAN. SURE, HE CAN READ AND DRAW AND MAKE THINGS FROM PAPER LIKE A HUMAN. BUT WHEN HE SPEAKS. HE SOUNDS LIKE A FUCKING SEA ANIMAL.

ANYWAY. THE PSEUDO-HUMAN CONJURES TWO OTHER PEOPLE. WHO WATCH HIM DO PSEUDO-HUMAN THINGS. AND THEN. OUT OF NOWHERE. HE FINALLY SPEAKS. A HUMAN METAPHOR. I ONCE AGAIN DON'T UNDERSTAND. ABOUT A BULL THAT HASN'T FINISHED HIS JOB? AND HOW YOU SHOULDN'T HUMAN KILL HIM.

SO WHILE IT BECOMES CLEAR. THAT THIS IS NOT AN ANIMAL. AND INSTEAD A HUMAN CHILD. AND THAT THE TWO NEW PEOPLE ARE INDEED THIS MAN-CHILD'S HUMAN PARENTS. HE TELLS EVERYONE TO TURN THEIR HEADS TO THE SEA. AND FUCKING SEA SOUNDS PLAY.

ANYWAY. TIME MOVES ON. AND THE FUCKING ADULT PLAYING A CHILD. IS ACTUALLY AN ADULT. AND TURNS OUT. HIS LAST NAME IS "POKŠTAS". WHICH ACCORDING TO MISS BUTCHERSON. MEANS A JOKE.

HIS NAME IS LITERALLY "A JOKE."

THAT'S EVEN SHITTIER THAN A DEAD MOBSTER BEING NAMED "DIE." BUT LET'S CARRY ON.

SO MR. JOKE HAS GROWN UP. BUT HE STILL HASN'T STOPPED TELLING THE BULLSHIT. ABOUT FACING THE SEA. AND AS A FUCKING BITCH. WHOSE FACE IS COVERED IN HAIR APPEARS. IT TURNS OUT. NO ONE LISTENS TO HIM. PEOPLE JUST PASS BY THE TWO DOORS. AND STANLEY ENTERS THE DOOR ON HIS LEFT OR WHATEVER. AND MR. JOKE IS FORCED TO QUIT.

THUS. THE STORY NOW CUTS TO TWO BITCHES. THE HAIR-COVERED BITCH. AND ANOTHER BITCH WHOSE NAME IS "SALĖ." MEANING A HALL. BOTH ARE HOPING. TO FIND THEIR HUMAN MATES ONE DAY. BUT ARE UNWILLING TO TAKE RISKS. UNTIL THE HALL BITCH TAKES INITIATIVE. AND FUCKING TAKES THE OTHER BITCH TO THE SEA. BY PLACING CHAIRS. AND ENTERING THE DOOR PORTAL. THAT HAS ITS OWN RULES THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

SO THEN THEY TAKE OFF THEIR CLOTHES. OF COURSE, A BITCH CAN'T JUST TAKE OFF HER CLOTHES IN PUBLIC, LIKE ON THEATER. BUT THE STORY LOVES PRETENDING THAT STUFF IS THERE EVEN THOUGH IT ISN'T. LIKE THE SEA. WHERE THERE IS JUST A BUNCH OF WATCHERS. AND ANOTHER BUNCH OF WATCHERS ABOVE. THAT COULD FALL ONTO THE OTHER WATCHERS. AND BITCHES TAKING OFF CLOTHES.

AT ANY RATE. THE TWO BITCHES ARE SPOTTED BY THE JOKE GUY. AND ARE INSPIRED BY HIM. TO GO WEST. TO EXPLORE THE WIDE WORLD. AND THEY END UP IN FRANCE.

UGH. WHERE IS THIS STORY EVEN TAKING PLACE. I'M PRETTY SURE THAT LOOKING FROM AMERICA. FRANCE IS TO THE EAST. THEN AGAIN. AMERICA HAS OCEANS FROM BOTH SIDES.

ANYWAY. THE TROUPE IS AT FRANCE. AND THE BITCHES. MEET ANOTHER BITCH. THAT HAS BEEN LIVING HERE FOR A WHILE. AND KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT THE PLACE. BUT SINCE SHE'S A BITCH. SHE DOESN'T. AND THE STORY CUTS AGAIN. TO MR. JOKE. AND ANOTHER GUY.

THE POINT IS. THAT MR. JOKE HAS BEEN THINKING. THAT HIS "LITHUANIA" COUNTRY. THAT AS A REMINDER DOESN'T EXIST. HAS BEEN TOO SMALL FOR ITS PEOPLE. AND NEEDS TO EXPAND FURTHER. INTO AFRICA. (WHICH ISN'T WEST AT ALL. THUS RUINING MR. JOKE'S PLANS. WHAT A. WAIT FOR IT. "JOKE.") AND MADAGASCAR. AND TO SET HIMSELF IN MOOD. MR. JOKE NEEDS TO EAT A TROPICAL FRUIT. SO THE OTHER GUY GIVES HIM A PINEAPPLE.

AND THEN. ONE OF THE GUYS TELLS A JOKE. ABOUT HOW THE MOON HAS FALLEN ONTO RUSSIA. SEEMINGLY. THE PUNCHLINE IS THAT THE MOON IS REAL. AND RUSSIA IS REAL. BUT THE EVENT IS FAKE. ER. WHAT THE HELL.

ANYWAY. SO THE CURTAIN CLOSES. AND OPENS WITH MR. JOKE IN MADAGASCAR. WHO'S TELLING EVERYONE. TO CALL MADAGASCAR BY ITS NEW NAME. "LITHUANIA FULL OF SCARS." WAIT. NO. "LITHUANIA FULL OF. SHAWLS." THE FUCK IS THAT. I DON'T CARE. AND I WANT TO MOVE ON. BECAUSE THIS IS STUPID.

SO WHILE MR. JOKE WAS ENJOYING HIS TIME IN ALTER-LITHUANIA. AVOIDING GIANT EARTH MONKEYS. REAL LITHUANIA WAS STRUCK WITH DISASTERS. TWO AIRPLANE FLYERS DYING. AND EACH OF THE THREE BITCHES. HAVING THEIR LIVES RUINED. VIA THE HUMAN VIRTUE OF MARRIAGE. AND IT TURNS OUT. THE HALL BITCH HAS GOTTEN IT WORST. ACTUALLY DYING. BUT NOT BEFORE. SHE TELLS A POEM.

AND SEEING THIS. MR. JOKE ASKS TO ABANDON EVERYTHING. AND FLY HOME. DUDE. WHY DID YOU EVEN FLY TO MADAGASCAR IN THE FIRST PLACE. THAT IS STUPID. YOU JUST RUINED YOUR OWN COUNTRY. WHICH AS A FRIENDLY REMINDER. DOESN'T EXIST.

THE END.

"LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS. ON WHAT STORY. I SHOULD BE TAKING ON NEXT. I MEAN. I AM AN EXPERT ON THIS. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut"


End file.
